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there are a lot of things that have happened this week...
i got food stamps.. and its taken some weight off of these shoulders of mine. i don't have to worry about anything but maybe getting a second job.
my friend megan moved in with me for a week and thats going good too. her dad is messed up. the entire family is leaving him here in Omaha to be with himself. i'm glad they are getting out, its a bad enviroment and maybe they can pick up and have an amazing life. megan is 16.. she can pick her life up and succeed and thats great. she just needs to get rid of some of her habits.

what else has happened this week?
i've realized that i've made some pretty great friends at work.. they're friends outside of work too... i haven't felt welcome here in Omaha for a long time.. and now i don't think i could live anywhere else.
i've also had some realizations that i don't know if i want to deal with for a while.

subject: annoyed.

seriously... whats the deal with airlines?

.. no seriously. the real subject.
whats the deal with boyfriends?
i understand why he's getting a little antsy but nothing is going on ...
i started hanging out with my boss and now he's acting all odd.
i'm not about to cheat on him.
jason is a friend. the first actual real sit on the porch and talk for hours friend i've had in a while. we have the same interests. almost exactly. he's me with a penis.
just because he's a dude, albeit a hott dude, doesn't mean i'll do anything with him.

and thats not even the tip of the ice berg ... at least not right now.
i realize some of this is probably my own fault anyway.
i work 35 hours a week at a sucky job with cool people. i clean my own house around the couch monster. which is now the computer desk monster.
all i ask is for him to clean the kitty litter, e.g. scoop it every day and shower everyday.. it doesn't seem too hard.
maybe once in a while run the dishwasher.
if he can't find a job... well... he could try just working around the hosue and helping keep it clean.

i just got done scrubbing the bathroom.
way too many chemicals.

this weekend was great.
i had to use a hot poker to get him out and doing things but i think he was either ruffled or enjoyed it which is just fine for me.
i dislike being the center of the attention all the time though.. there was way too many people there for me.
moria got antsy and had to leave like right at 11... >.>
and thats when it started picking up.
and she sort of forced me to go to bed like i was her child... >.> that was more than annoying .. i'm sure there was a reason for it.
i still went and saw the others again in the morning when i was sober.

time to catch up...

in the past 6 months i've...
moved three times.
fell in love all over again.
wandered around Dubuque in the cold
wandered around manchester in the cold
drove around a lot... O.O
had dinner 104 places.
got lost twice.
got into a car accident and almost died
walked places for two weeks
got a job
got a second job
played hooky once
boy lost job
i lost second job

wow this is starting to sound like a MasterCard commercial.

and now here i am. two days til i'm 21... planning to have some fun with some friends this weekend and honor the friends that won't be there ; ; .. i must go get some nom noms...!
Hollie. I know you read this. This one is for you... Yes he did write that.. It was while we were in Manchester. He Got into your email to get your moms and told her about your live journal. Its because he was defending me at the time. He doesn't remember doing it but me and Nikita were there watching him. He tries to make himself to be this amazing person that never does anything wrong... He was trying to get me to think that what I remembered was wrong. I know you hate me... But ill stand by the fact that ice never lied to you.

beating anxiety...

so i learned that theres this thing in my brain and when something traumatic happens to a person, it gets literally burned into their memory sensor in their brain.. kind of like a hard drive.
so this little section of my brain has all the bad memories so my body knows when to "fight or flight" and well.. everything triggers this cause of some bad times and some traumatic moments in my life.
i guess now i work on erasing that part.
maybe not erasing cause i'm sure i learned something from the past three years.
i'm gaining my friends back and i think i'm de-fragging my life.
one day at a time... i got 10Terabites up there!

May. 21st, 2009

why should i bother trying to make new memories if you aren't going to remember them?
you don't remember any of our past do you?

want me to QQ some more?

why should i even try to make new memories if you won't try on your side?

it looks like i'm the only one trying in this relationship.
and once again i'm severely burned.

once again you don't remember if it was me or her.
once again you don't remember that it was me.
once again you don't remember.

"lets go for a walk"

"where were you?"
"i went for a walk"

., .

i'm done trying.
i'm done trying to make romance for you.
i'm done trying to spend what time i do with you.
i'm done.
you wouldn't remember me anyway.

i bet you don't even remember last summer.

or anything we did in ub..
or any of the dates we've had.

maybe some of the recent ones.

everyday i hope for something little.
and everyday i get shot in the foot.
i'm starting to run out of toes.

just a reminder to know i'm the one you're thinking about.

but i know i'm not.

what would make a person kill themselves?
knowing that you're with someone who doesn't really care?
or being blissfully ignorant?

when you find me it'll probably be too late.

May. 17th, 2009

do i even exsist today?

did i exsist yesterday?

maybe i should get it done and over with.

the pain and suffering would be over for everyone.

did you notice today?

did you read me today?

sometimes the only way to get on with life is to just deal with it.


my dreams are gone.
no white dress.
no ring.
no future for me.


i'm throwing in my hat and stepping away.

if you expect me to constantly compete for your affection... or if you're testing me this time around... i'm done. i can't emotionally take this anymore. i'm throwing in the hat. you won't notice or even read this anyway... so i guess i can say whatever i want.
what am i to you? just this person you can run to when things get shitty? when you feel trapped?
the one who has always taken care of you with no qualms. i'm always here... in your background.. giving you loves. but you don't notice. you don't see it or you don't care. you're too busy caught up in missing someone else.
you didn't HAVE to give her the ring for the right to stay there... you did it cause you wanted to too.
something i'm just never going to see.

you'd do anything hands down for her.. you say out of fear. ... but i have to fight to get you to move off the couch.
i deal with knowing that i might not be your "one" but i take care of you the same. i try to get you whatever you want.. whenever you want. i support you even when it does have to do with her.
and i'm still not good enough.

i dropped my life this time.

you came to me crying in wal mart saying you had been played. saying that you missed me and didn't know why you were so stupid to let someone like me go.
i felt like it was actually time.
that you actually had it all figured out.

which is the line everytime "i think i've figured it out"
but it wasn't there this time.

you wanted to work for the relationship and let it grow, you said.

and you did.

it was amazing. it started amazing and then we moved here.
to Omaha.


why i even let you is beyond me.

its cause i let you do what you want.
i don't tie you down or tell you what to do.
and thats why i get burned everytime.

why do you make the promises?
this fucking promise of forever.
i want to not love you so that it doesn't hurt.
i want to not love you so that when you come back in a month asking for me... i can actually say no.
she dropped you like a bad habit. and you can't seem to let go.
i know you wanted to and now your brain makes you think that you dont' want to.
you think about this too much.

you told me you wanted a future with me in it.

yeah. okay. i'm really believing this now.
i don't have the energy to really do this again. i don't have the energy to let you go.. or to fight for what i have.. i just have to hope and pray that you love me and i have to fight to keep you again and again. its just how my life is.
cause you don't get over things.
you don't leave people alone.

i could buy you a new life and you'd take that new life with you and walk out of my house with it.

you had me find a place for you to live. you had me figure ot the groceries.. and get a job for you. i had a job first. two at that. i grew up for you and thats still not quite enough.

one day at a time you said. in one direction or the other. but you're currently taking one day at a time in both directions.

you're comitment fobic. ... and you know... if you're with her you'll have another responsibility. ... a kid. so next time you dump her for me.. think about that one too.

you do this thing everytime you get played by her. you think you miss her. and then your brain actually does for a while and you're blind to all the shit she pulls. you go back and sit and be there and low nad behold she's a bitch and you can't stand her. and low and behold i have to listen to you about it and how much you miss me and how you were blind to all of it. this time theres another catch... she's pregnant. you know what that means? your little brain thinks that there needs to be a father in the picture.. OR she said she wishes there was a father and your brain tells you that it should be you. you feel bad for her because of mike and because of her pregnancy. and thus you're brain is reacting and wanting to take care of her, because you feel you owe her something for the past three years.

she has you around her little finger. and i think always will.
one day at a time right?
one day me.. the next her.
let me know when you've "finally figured it out" this time.. you know i'll be waiting.

You dont know me but I know who you are
Mind if I sit down
Do I look familiar if I dont well I should
Im sure youve seen me around
I know youve probably heard my name
Though weve not been introduced
Im the fool in love with the fool
Whos still in love with you

If youve got a minute Ill buy you a drink
Ive got something to say
It might sound crazy but last night in his sleep
I heard him call out your name
This aint the first time hes done it before
And its hard to face the truth
Im the fool in love with the fool
Whos still in love with you

I know love is a fragile thing
And Im trying hard to make it last
But it aint easy holding on to my dream
When hes holding on to the past

Just one more thing before I go
Im not here to put you down
You dont love him and thats a fact
Girl Ive seen you around
But you hold his heart in the palm of your hand
And its breaking mine in two
cause Im the fool in love with the fool
Whos still in love with you

Im the fool in love with the fool
Whos still in love with you
I'm glad I am not pregnant. That means I have my whole life ahead of me a life of freedom. I guess we could call it freedom for all intents and purposes. I still have all my bills and I don't really have days off but I'm free from gaining 40lbs and I'm free from the possibility of dying in childbirth. Or even free from getting my uterus tore to hell. That's my freedom. I really have no worries anymore. What do I do with all my aquired freedoms? Play video games pay bills work shop visit friends take care of those around me. Hell I can even put money in a 401k so that when I'm finally 65 I can say fuck it and live the way I want

headed to workz

things are much better ^.^
taking it one day at a time.
his mom was more proud of me though. what kind of shit is that?
i'm not the one with the degree.
he's making the same amount of money as me at one of my jobs.
its just not fair. she'll never see him as i see him.